Here at Quote Unquote we take a keen interest in gossip columns, even the non-literary ones. Cactus Kate alerts us to the dismal state of Metro’s once-splendid Felicity Ferret. Disclosure: not only did I work for Metro but I also contributed material to the Ferret from about 1987 to 1993 when Judith Baragwanath, the wittiest woman in New Zealand (my idea of heaven is to be seated at dinner between her and Karyn Hay, with Hilary Barry opposite), was writing most of it. Sometimes Judith’s column was short; sometimes we’d sold too many ads so had an extra page or two to fill. James Allan and I were drafted in to help: we could never get the real Judith tone but we did get close, and after all this time it’s sometimes hard to tell the genuine from the fake. Though I bet Judith could.
My point is that I know how hard it is to write this stuff. Judith spent ages drafting and re-drafting; so did James and I. One wouldn’t call it art, but it is certainly craft.
Fast-forward to the April 2010 issue, which I bought but only because I’m in it (all of p122, now you’re asking). I didn’t read the Ferret column then but have now. The first par has a fuck in it. Later there is another fuck and the phrase “the audience came in their pants” in an item about William Dart not clapping very much at a concert. William is a very nice man, but does anyone care about how much he claps at a concert?
The latest column, which I read in the supermarket today, has three fucks on one page, two of them in the same item, as seen on Cactus’s post (click on the image and maybe get your browser to zoom in a bit). We all like the occasional fuck, but there is a time and a place, yes? Call me old-fashioned, but if you have to swear a lot you’re probably as funny as Mike King, i.e. not.
Apart from the vocabulary issues, there is a bafflingly gay-porn item about a Colin Mathura-Jeffree-flavoured ice-cream.
Metro has changed in lots of good ways since I was there – step forward, former editor Nicola Legat – but the Ferret now is just weird. Worse, it isn’t funny. Fine to change the tone – absolutely right to do so – but why keep the name? It’s like passing off New Coke as the real thing.
Cactus Kate reckons that the column is now written by the entity she dubs Wendyttle, i.e. Wendyl Nissen and Paul Little. It seems unlikely – wouldn’t it be better? Most of the items are taken from radio/TV/newspapers, and those that aren’t are about the media. Whoever is writing this stuff doesn’t get out much, or as much as Judith, James and I used to.
Also, he or she is too old. The target demographic might have changed but it used to be 36. In the April column there are references to Bo Derek, Bert Potter and Michal McKay. In the May issue there’s Angela D’Audney, PG Wodehouse, Errol Flynn and the 1966 BBC TV drama Cathy Come Home. Who under 50 or even 60 will get these references?
I say it isn’t Paul Little writing this, it’s Garth George, moonlighting from the Herald.
UPDATE: For those curious to know what she looks like, Cactus Kate has posted a photo of herself. Rather fetching, I must say.
10 comments:
And there I was thinking that they liked me so much that they wanted me home to Noo Zooland Stephen.
Jesus, a BBC 1966 drama? A quick goggle (didn't even have the internet then did they?) and we get this.
"The play tells the story of a young couple, Cathy (played by Carol White) and Reg (Ray Brooks). Initially their relationship flourishes and they have a child and move into a modern home. When Reg is injured and loses his well-paid job, they are evicted by bailiffs, and they face a life of poverty and unemployment, illegally squatting in empty houses and staying in shelters. Finally, Cathy has her children taken away by social services".
So wrong. I mean children, poverty, squatting? And 1966? I was negative 9 years old then.
Thank you SS as just when you thought it couldn't get any more tragic you pull another ferret out of the hat.
Their attempt at nicknames are pathetic and are usually just rhymes or a play on words.
Nicknames have to match the person, a trait or their personality. The best are truly evil and stick.
Tigerpig, Mangrove, Plughead, Wes Craven's Dental Assistant...see, and almost anyone in the political beltway just knows exactly who I described.
"and almost anyone in the political beltway just knows exactly who I described."
I so don't, Whaleoil, being a long way outside the beltway. But I do have a friend at ACT Party central - I'll ask him.
'I say it isn’t Paul Little writing this, it’s Garth George, moonlighting from the Herald.'
It could be Gordon McLauchlan. He is elderly too and no longer has a Herald column.
Helena, I cannot imagine that Gordon McLauchlan would ever write under a pseudonym.
Mind you, he used to have a column in Metro reviewing beer so perhaps this is his return.
I haven't read Metro for years. Looked at this in Whitcoulls at lunchtime, God its awful. Laboured, unfunny, oldfashioned - and all those tedious 'jokes' about people's names. John 'Don' Key - what's funny about that?
You're right - whoever is doing this must be at least in their 50s and think they're sooo cool.
Blowhole said:
"Nicknames have to match the person, a trait or their personality. The best are truly evil and stick."
"... almost anyone in the political beltway just knows exactly who I described." Yet nobody cares. The pretence that we have a beltway, the copying of the word from the Americans, the name-calling and the self-importance of the name-callers are all really rather sad.
The same is true of the current FF column, which prates about people who do not matter, other than to each other. They should not have brought her back from the dead.
"which prates about people who do not matter, other than to each other."
True, but to be fair that's what people complained about in the old Ferret. All I want is for it to be funny, whomever it is about.
Stephen, I'll try to break it to you gently - I'm fairly sure that isn't actually CK herself in that photo. Sorry.
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