Truly felt I got to know Leopold (Poldy?). Nitpicky, logistical question: Is this really how people think?
“Snotgreen” = hyphenated.
Show us how these characters process memory, language, abstractions, and the urban landscape through stream of consciousness, don’t just tell us.
Unclear where and when this is set.
Caught some allusions to The Odyssey. Nice.
Proper punctuation for dialogue is double quotes, not em dashes.
Balked a bit at some of Molly’s “sexier” thoughts, which read like male fantasy. You can do better than this, Jim.
Think you accidentally stapled in something from your playwriting workshop for Ch. 15.
Kick-ass work, JJ, but way too long. Have you considered turning this into a short-short?
There are loads more.
Monitor: Bill Manhire