Monday, March 12, 2012

Modern romance, Labour style

Does this sort of thing ever happen in Bellamy’s? The Evening Standard reports that:
Labour MP Eric Joyce has been banned from every pub in Britain after he admitted head-butting two Tories in a drunken rampage at the House of Commons.
Joyce, 51, escaped jail but was handed a 12-month community order, a weekend curfew and a three-month ban from anywhere selling alcohol.
[. . . In the Strangers Bar he] head-butted Tory MP Stuart Andrew and Conservative councillor Ben Maney.
In an unprovoked attack, he also struck Tory councillor Luke MacKenzie and fellow Labour MP and party whip Phillip Wilson. He also swung a punch at Tory MP Alec Shelbrooke which missed but grazed his head.
When the police arrived he told them, “You can’t touch me I’m an MP”, and said he had hit Mr Andrew because “He deserved it”. [. . .]
The brawl started when Stuart Niven, a leading amateur opera singer, who was with Joyce, began singing in the bar around 10.30pm.
There were a number of Conservative MP and the guests at surrounding tables and Joyce appeared to think they objected, announcing: “There are too many Tories in this bar.”
Mr Andrew described Joyce as being “more drunk than anyone I have seen in my life”.
Joyce is in trouble again and is possibly even more embarrassed. The subhead on this Daily Mail story says it all:
Teen lover of headbutt MP Joyce reveals his ‘clumsy and surreal’ attempts at seduction
In short, two years ago he was bonking Meg Lauder, a 17-year-old party activist who for some reason has now gone public with the tale. Sad and bad behaviour, yes, but the story fascinates for the insight it gives us into English courtship and the decorating instincts of Labour’s young activists. First, the home décor:
Back in her bedroom at home, its walls decorated with political posters, featuring Joseph Stalin, Karl Marx, Chairman Mao and Alistair Darling…
Now for the MP’s seduction technique:
Three days later, she duly turned up at his flat during a free period from school, still wearing her school uniform. She claims Joyce told her to take off her school tie because ‘it made her look so young’. After a quick lunch of filled rolls in front of the BBC news, he suddenly started kissing her.
That seems to be all that happened as Meg had to go back to school for a religious  studies class. However, three days later she returned to his flat:
where she stayed overnight after telling her parents she was going to a party and sleeping over with a friend. She says: ‘I knew what I was doing and accepted what was going to happen. We started kissing on the couch and then he said he had “something to show me”.
‘I knew what he meant, but I felt like cringing at his attempt at humour. We went through to the bedroom: one thing led to another, and we had sex.
‘There was no romance, it was almost formal and functional – nothing like I expected and nothing to write home about. It didn’t feel like it was a new boyfriend or lover.’
Afterwards, Joyce ordered a pizza and they watched a documentary.
Isn’t that last sentence depressing. At least neither of them had a cigarette.


Anonymous said...

Is that Stuart Niven the architect who revamped the Wellington waterfront? Didn't know he was an amateur opera singer.

Cactus Kate said...

Filled rolls and pizza? Shit what a romantic. Still at least he wasn't dumb enough to get her pissed. Underage. Would have been in mighty trouble for that.

Stephen Stratford said...

Anonymous: am pretty sure it's a different S Niven. How nice if it was the same.

Cactus: was she underage at 17? Don't know the law in England. But he was 49 at the time so technically old enough to be her grandfather (have a kid at 16 who has a kid at 16...). And if she wasn't pissed why would she?

Anonymous said...

"In short, two years ago he was bonking Meg Lauder, a 17-year-old party activist who for some reason has now gone public with the tale. Sad and bad behaviour, yes."

*No*, I think you'll find: The Daily Record ran the story, not the teenager in question. She didn't give any interviews for quite a few days after the story was in the papers. I feel sorry for her - teenager and a 49-year-old man, why pick on the young girl?