In his recent Curmudgeon column in the Post-Dominion, my old (sorry, former) colleague Karl du Fresne poses some “vital questions”. Some of them I can answer, I think.
Has there ever been a less flattering male fashion than three-quarter pants?
Yes. Walk shorts.
Why do birds make a point of defecating on newly washed cars? Have they got something against us, or what?
Yes. It is revenge against cat-owners. And fair enough too.
Is this the only country in the world where people say “yeah no”?
Yes. This is a dinky-di New Zealandism.
Would you feel your life had been wasted if you died never having seen an episode of Outrageous Fortune?
Yes. My friend Ben had a small part in it as a vain and stupid porn star called Ben. “Hardly a stretch, acting-wise,” I told him.
Is bowls the only sport, apart from sumo wrestling, in which overweight men can hold their own?
No. There is also darts. Possibly billiards. And let’s not forget that Richie McCaw was described as obese because his BMI was above 25.
Why doesn’t the letter “u” come straight after “q” in the alphabet, just like it does everywhere else?
Not on Qantas it doesn’t.
Ever found yourself grappling in a hotel shower with a slippery shampoo sachet that was impossible to open, other than with your teeth?
Yes. This is why one should always share the hotel shower with a younger, more attractive woman. They are better at this stuff.
Can’t Americans accomplish anything without whooping and hollering?
Yes, but only in Boston.
The full list is here.